town of sorrow

dream

2012-02-29T12:10:00.003+11:00

Back to square 1, travel back down the road again, to realise it all was just a dream.

I should of put it down, should of got that ring, guess its to late for that now, whats done is done, and how its meant to be will be seen, it is what it is.

This town has eaten another soul for the record, scratch another line against a wall to mark a number, a number that was.

Now i think about us and where we are gonna be, but i open my eyes and i realise it was all just a dream, to good to be true.

I was at the top and now its like I'm in the basement, feel lost, feel empty, but I'm
still here.

With a sigh from my lungs and a dust off my clothes, I'm back on my feet to keep moving on.

We all fall down, to get back up again...

ibzzie xx

be and it is

2012-02-06T19:34:00.000+11:00

You can travel the world but you can't run away from the person you are in your heart.

You can be who you want to be make us believe in you keep all your light in the dark.

If your searching for truth you must look in the mirror and make sense of what you can see.

They say learning to love yourself is the first step that you take when you want to be real and flying on planes to exotic locations won't teach you how you really feel.

You have to face up to the fact that you are who you are
and nothing can change that belief.

Because now I know it's not so far to where I go the hardest part is inside me I need to just be.

I was lost and i'm still lost but now I feel so much better.

ibbzie xx

2012-02-02T23:57:00.002+11:00

Let's travel deep into the great wide yonder which is the human brain.

It's an organ that plays a vital role in our life. It's closed off from the world all the way up there, the only opening is the mouth.

I sketch out scenarios on the wall in my darkened room, scenarios of how this might last forever or end sooner then you can say the word 'ever'.

My thoughts fall out of my brain through my mouth and onto my canvas of sorrow.

Scenarios of men being taught through a life of wrong to only continue doing wrong, there is no learning here, it's just a full circle of arrgoence, a sketch of what is yet to come, a sketch of maybe a punishment that I need to serve for something I was in this town, something that drove men far away from here, leaving me to dwell on my sorrows.

Six Billion people, that's what existed before I found this town. Out of those Six Billion I don't think one is doing what I am doing. Trying to get comfortable on a old worn out mattress is hard knowing that no one else is sharing it or no one else is doing the same as me.

I continue to sketch this perfect image of how life should be/how life should of been, this if definitely not it.

There is no coloured chalk for me to use just a black wall and a white stub of chalk. Full of smiles, clouds, togetherness, involvement is what I draw, if only this drawing can come to life, it's what I dream of living, of having.

Where man will not act without another, will not do with out one another, will not even be without one another, no matter what the situation is of how high the consequence is, no matter what.

My sketch of this world is just a picture of my brain, the deeps of the great wide yonder.

I don't know man anymore, I don't know what man gets up to pass time, I just anxesouly wait for a sign.

How long will I wait for?

Stay tuned...

ibzzie xx

far

2012-01-19T17:03:00.003+11:00

How far would you go to come?

You will travel far during the day, but not drop everything for a taste of this town.

Its now clear that some things are more important to you than my town, when you cant be bothered to see my sorrow.

Remember me when you say you cant, remember me when you wont, just remember.

Cause I will remember...

ibzzie xx

drained

2012-01-19T16:37:00.002+11:00

*sigh, its warm here now, the cold has past, Its gone.

If I keep roaming this town over and over again, I see the same thing, I do the same thing, over again.

I cant escape because I might hurt myself, there is no leaving here, Im stuck.

I feel my soul being drained with every dream I see, my thoughts begin to doubt my dream and visa versa, then i realise it was all just a dream.

I didnt want to wake from where I was, for some reason it felt right, it felt like I was expecting it to happen.

I like where I am in this town, walking around, lost.

Draining my sorrows are the clouds above, dark overheard, tears of blood pour, I seek refuge.

Here..

ibzzie xx

on the go

2012-01-13T20:34:00.002+11:00

The sorrow is building, more and more everyday. I don't know how much more I can take.

I'm faking its, hard to be real when the things you want to be real are not.

There is no need to get angry or to start arguing over something that isn't seen as wrong by one party but is seen as wrong by the other party, it's hard seeing eye to eye when the world has mad us blind.

I'm on the go around this town and I take my sorrow with me everywhere I go, there is no leaving it.

I .... .. ....

ibzzie xx

Souleater!

2012-01-10T09:24:00.000+11:00

Here we go, the year has started with a bang. I go to see what the explosion is and I realize it's just a replay of the past i didn't give to much care for it then nor will I now.

It doesn't matter how hard I try, despite everything we pretend to do nothing will be the way it was before, eventually you will be something that meant to me as a memory and nothing else because when the end comes it doesn't even matter.

My sorrow will continue to grow within me and around me absorbing the life out of everything I touch, maybe Im meant to be alone, maybe that's the reason I'm in this town alone without a soul near nor far.

Its the darkest times I have ever seen in this town, the sun no longer shines here and just like a whisper the winds end before i can hear them.

I'm hungry again, after all these souls I have devoured i still need more, but I will fight and eat no more.

It all ends the same with 3 words of faith or 3 words of disbelieve, it all ends the same.

I think about a lot when I'm here alone in this hollowed out world that i have created, a thought that keeps re occurring is the end.

Think with me for a while, everything that starts has an end, why? why does a song have to finish,why does a drink have to finish, why does the food you eat have to finish, why does a day have to finish, why does the beautiful night have to finish, why does life have to finish?

The end is inevitable there is no changing that, no avoiding that, all this now the life you humans live, try to live, the love you TRY and make. it all means nothing when we are all 7ft under.

There is no love anymore, it is all Lust, there is no more faith it's all hope, find faith and you will be full for an eternity.

Where will you be 10 seconds before the sunrise's in the opposite side of the sky, where will you be when earthquakes flatten the earth, where will you be when the sky and the sea split and boil a blood red?

We will all stand side by side with our own mothers and they will not even recognize us. We were all born alone and we will die alone until we enter the hereafter.

The end is imminent, look up and have faith.

You will be saved...

ibzzie xx

Twelver

2012-01-08T23:27:00.002+11:00

There was a pro longed period where I wouldn't walk around here often, not too sure why I wouldn't walk around then but now I do.

It's 3 years since this town has been founded, the sorrow still lives on strong even though the end of times are near, it won't take long till we see what truth lays ahead of us, but for now the truth is.

Silence is the answer to everything, we connect in weird and wonderful ways.

In the end lead such a life, that, when you die, the people may mourn you, and while your alive they long for your company...

ibzzie xx

Backup

2012-01-04T01:57:00.004+11:00

Just like carrot man, she's always there.

Just like backup, you can call on her.

If 2012 is the end of days, I would like it to end like this.

If 2012 is not the end of says, I would like it to stay like this.

She knows what it takes, just like a carrot farmer knows what his carrots need.

She knows...

ibzzie xx

2012

2012-01-04T01:31:00.005+11:00

Here we are, the beginning of the end. Some are saying that this year holds the end of the world, judgement day if you will.

It's funny people start predicting the end before they start to think about the beginning, the here after, the start of a new life after this one has finished.

All these years and the same song plays as I write my thoughts down, the song echoes through the town a beautiful remembrance of those days I used to have, before becoming what I am now.

Brings tears to my heart knowing that this town might no longer exist, just gone deeper.

This has been my sanctum away from the world, away from all the lies that are told to me by those who are closest to me, the hate in this world for one another starting from what religion you follow to the colour of your hair, we will be the death to each other, humans are the only cause of war, nothing else.

Let's ravage my life where I sit here filled with sorrow, filled with this feeling that only they know of, this emotion that only I understand, that oh brings tears to my self.

I already witnessed the end, not the end of the world, but the end of mine. The end of feeling, caring, loving, all replaced with sorrow, but I am not the one to blame, they are.

I don't want to be where I am at the moment, but I have a heart and this heart cannot bare the tears of another.

For you see the end has already happened for me.

I'm just waiting for a new beginning...

ibzzie xx

7 Sins

2011-12-17T11:10:00.002+11:00

How much longer can this go on for, Not long I keep telling my self.

It should stop soon, real soon.

Why am I back here?

It seems everything time I have one I'm here again.

Happiness brings sorrow.

ibzzie xx

Heed Our Warning

2011-12-10T23:45:00.003+11:00

The time has come to understand the signs around us, it's time to acknowledge what is true and is false, it's time to become whole.

My time was up a while ago now, but when your time is up would you let go of everything you own, you love and that of which you desire?

Your sins will be accounted for and so will be your deeds, there is no such thing as a past, focus on your future and your past soon becomes non existent.

Where will you be when all this will end, when all this will stand for nothing, when everything you have accomplished, every dollar, everything will not matter except for those that are on your right and left shoulder, where will you be?

Nothing will be left but something new will begin.

Second chances exist because we allow them to exist, when everything means nothing, there will be no second chances.

Give those who deserve a second chance now, before it's to late.

WARNING: make sure those whom you give these second chances understand that there is not a third,
how does that saying go? forgive but never forget, or is it forget but never forgive.. either way make sure you imply one of those.

Heed our warning, run!

ibzzie xx

whirlwind

2011-11-28T21:22:00.003+11:00

It's windy outside, the smell of paint is thick in here. I open a window to allow the weeping wind in, the paint stench is easing.

It's a semi whirlwind outside and even a bigger one in here.

I cannot but feel that I have been here before, somewhat, something tells me that I have been here before.

Deja Vu, I hear you say.

No, not Deja Vu.

Round and round it goes, I'll hang on this time, I hope I do, with he looking over me things will be different.

Just hope the landing isn't a rough one ...

ibzzie xx

hidden

2011-10-17T12:49:00.002+11:00

where is my ONE?

ibzzie xx

creed

2011-09-30T15:37:00.002+10:00

fake + death = ¿

2011-09-20T19:51:00.003+10:00

I cannot do this anymore, I know I have started with that line so many times before but this time I am going to do something about it, I am moving.

I cannot wait any longer for the time to come so I'll make it occur myself but not for real.

You see my closest of friends call me Fake, why? Because in the group there is another that goes by the same name as me and one night they decided to call me the Fake and since then it's stuck, now I'll live up to that name.

I will move start over and leave everything behind, my parents won't have worries any more as they will think I have gone forever, my friends will believe that the time has come for me, they will miss me for a while, they will get over it.

As for me I will start over, some were that doesn't have a trail left by my pain and by my sorrow.

Death will be left behind and life will be awaiting over the seas.

It's time I finally do this, just disappear. I won't leave a tear behind nor a trace of breath.

My new life starts now, stay tuned ...

¿¿ xx

the box

2011-09-16T15:37:00.002+10:00

So what it hasn't even been 2 year since Ive been in this place and the closet thing is leaving, yes im sad yes i wish she wasn't going but I know it makes her happy and when I see her smile and cackle it makes my day that little brighter.

Reason I wake up in the morning is to come to this place and see and spend time with her she is my best friend that I always see, they tried to split us apart but if has made us even stronger.

I wish you were in a box so I can keep you here with me and actually say i have a best friend who is the opposite sex, I will have all the memories tattooed onto my brain some even tattooed on my body, soon.

I will forever remember your cackle and every time I see my family tree tattoo that you drew for me I will remember you.

I know i will still see you, I know I will still make you laugh but it wont be the same.

You are the only ever one I ever invited into this town, the only every person male or female that understood me, maybe we are both the normal ones on earth and everyone else is strange.

I miss you already and its not even 4:30pm, I promise I will not cry and nor will you.

Ill keep everything we have done together in a big box close to my heart, there is alot of room there because only a very few are close to my heart, you are one of them.

I love you always and no matter what you are my Jub Jub.

ibzzie xx

2011-09-01T23:25:00.000+10:00

Which would be worse?
To live as a monster,
Or to die as a good man?

ibbzie xx

2011-08-06T00:10:00.000+10:00

one day.

ibzzie xx

dirty

2011-08-03T12:28:00.003+10:00

I thought I had changed, I thought I had honestly become something different but I'm still the same, same as the dirt on this earth, unchanged.

Nothing will change me, I thought I finally found the change I needed in this town, I guess not.

I guess I will just forgot the way you look like whilst your friends keep seeing the change occur.

Don't worry, a thought should be thought before the action is actioned but don't worry.

Ive been through this before...

ibzzie xx

DRKNYT

2011-07-29T10:53:00.002+10:00

The stench of fake is so apparent once I walked in through the door.

Dark as the night, Just as a sharpned sword, Swift like the wind.

ibzzie xx

Over Again

2011-06-30T09:04:00.003+10:00

Its like I'm at primary school all over again, people so young, people so dumb, people so fake, I don't hate it here, I like it, alot.

They say you can catch a cold from someone who is already sick, I say you can catch depression from someone who is already sad, I am the virus here.

I'm so sad that I start to hate the ones I used to love, every little action done annoys me, every lip movement with sound frightens me. Why have you become like them?

"My butt is for sitting, not for kissing" - Hank Scorpio. Maybe this is something that should be thought about before getting out of bed and starting the day.

Its a shame that Ive lost you forever now, everything behind me is crashing and burning and the smoke ahead of me is clearing.

Lets go for a walk, away from here..

ibzzie xx

food

2011-06-28T14:35:00.003+10:00

It comes from mother nature to us, it is meant to be shared.

Happiness in the form of a eatable expense.

It does exist.

It must be shared, not by one person but by both...

ibzzie xx

Riot Of Hearts

2011-06-20T08:42:00.004+10:00

So there I was embracing her among a crowd of animals, rough the tarmac was, bumpy like the skin at the back of her neck.

Her lips; the only softness I could feel, the only passion surrounding was the passion for sports, the only heat was that of a torched car nearby, the only tremble was that of a thousand animals marching, the only riot was in my heart.

Her tongue cold, Whenever it enters my mouth everything around me froze, like a chill you get when something goes wrong. Here everything was going right.

Frozen in a stance with no care of what is happening around us, I embrace her closer, I embrace her tighter, I hold her body towards mine, this isn't a pose nor a stunt, this is a passion of two hearts rioting.

Intense as the Police arrive to control those unleashed, ignoring the love that is blossoming right before their eyes.

So i guess the saying "make love, not war" is true. What this shows to the humans of Earth is that we don't need fists, we don't need weapons, we don't need hate nor anger! All we need is love, love to start a riot.

Proceeding smoothly along the rough tarmac, abrasive cuts damage our soft skins, the light dribble of our flowing blood seeps through these minor crevices in our skin, the after math was as though we had fought a war, not a war for turf, nor a war of governments, but purely a war for love.

As I arose from her sweetness, I held her ravished hand with a soft vice grip and helped her up to her feet, we continued holding hands as we walked off among the unleashed animals, we didn't speak. It was as though our hands were doing the talking, gripping tighter, running our fingers along each others hands.

Love is something to be fought for, start a riot for the person you love, stand up for something or you will fall for everything.

Make love and not war.

ibzzie xx

pain

2011-06-15T15:10:00.003+10:00

self inflicting pain really isn't pain seeing you are doing it to your self, something that hurts the human body with out knowing it is going to happen; that is true pain.

NSW to win 24-12.

ibzzie xx

Dracula

2011-05-26T15:35:00.003+10:00

Laughter so annoying when I haven't laughed nor smiled all day.
Happiness seems so dull when I am not feeling it my self.
Jokes are not funny today, nothing is.

Everything is eating away at my brain, limiting my capacity to think, to move, to even feel. Today feels like I have had the life sucked out of me.

I would like to return to my castle where life is full and existent where blood runs free from all openings.

The atmosphere here is not pleasant, people laughing, people smiling, this is not me, not today.

Cannot wait for night fall, that is when I truly come alive.
Each sleep brings tomorrow closer.
Each tomorrow brings the end nearer.

I will visit you tonight, beware.

For today, I am not myself...

ibzzie xx

runaway

2011-05-24T08:38:00.007+10:00

Pressing buttons but no letters appear, just trying to get to the stall converter, it takes its time like I'm revving but still not there yet, wonder where ill be.

Maybe i wont be anywhere as this disease is rotting earths surface away, taking everything in its way, leaving nothing; how sad.

Imagine being alone with no one on earth at all, sort of like that movie with that black guy in it, I am Legend i think it was called, imagine; alone, how nice would that be.

Not hearing a sound, except those that you create. Not feeling anyone brush against you except for your own belongings, that will be pure peace, just to be alone, but yet when we are alone, today, we become sad and hurt wanting someone to share this world with, why? why not chase peace instead of havoc, why not chase lonesomeness instead of company, its our genes we are humans and the reason we are on earth is to pass on our seed, we cannot be alone, if everyone was alone no one will be born leaving this earth with no population, but yet if I was alone i would be truly happy, with no one around just me.

I would own everything, i would drive anything, i would be the owner of earth, i wont need to share this with someone, for all Ive had in my whole life is just my self, so this will not be any different to the life I'm living now, same thing just no one around to watch me be alone.

Looking over to a bridge that connects the north to the south with the bright blue water running under it, this is my resting place.

i just want to be alone ...

ibzzie xx

still

2011-05-20T14:29:00.002+10:00

untouchable

2011-05-04T15:56:00.002+10:00

oh look here lets go put the air in the other room and come back to see snakes and fakes waiting to bite behind my back, and you say you are my friends?

fuck friends, i need someone that will know me when im not there, someone that will speak up when im not aware.

this whole place is full of snakes and fakes, waiting for a taste of pain and hurt, fuck you and all of you.

ibzzie xx

last goodbye

2011-05-04T13:07:00.005+10:00

As i paint pyramids whilst sitting on a train a sticker catches my eye, between a gentleman's legs i can snap a shot of it. it reads, smile.

We all should smile, before getting angry if we all smile anger will disappear from our system, its easy, but not so easy if i know you are not.

Its been forever since we last spoke, i don't even remember our goodbye nor do i even remember our last hello, it cannot have been that long but it feels like it has been forever, i just remember your features now, i don't even remember your voice nor your smile, just a mole on your face that made me smile every time i used to see it.

I know your eyes don't drift this way anymore, you no longer visit this town, i just hope you are well and i just hope you know i am sorry for everything and i hope you do know that i do miss you.

I don't even know where you are anymore nor who you are but i do hope you are still smiling and enjoying your life without me.

I think about you almost every day, it feels i will never settle until you know that i miss you, until you know how i really feel.

Its been over 2 years now and i still see that face, really could use somebody like you again.

I don't have much longer here, this is my last goodbye, my last hello and hopefully my last memory of you, its like playing a whole year and watching it through my mind get summed up in a few minitues, it hurts so much.

From a black and white dog to our black and white pictures to your colour filled smile, i would kill to go back to that time.

If anybody was to offer me to do what we had again, I would say yes immediately.

Hello and goodbye forever, i promise if i run into i will say hello and i hope you will too, just like we promised to be friends forever.

That promise is now broken, goodbye bug...

ibzzie xx

firefly

2011-04-21T12:20:00.003+10:00

Slowly uncovered, from a shallow grave of amber leaves, The wind blows revealing a frozen tear upon my face, Black crows are guarding a grave up to now that's had no name it's almost like they knew this could never be my resting place.

Cause I see your life, through bloodshot eyes, The smile you see, not the pain it hides trust the fool he'll never shine like a firefly.

I'm healing from last results, compromise in summersaults I'm moving on, I'm gonna shine like a firefly.

The sunlight warm me and penetrate these broken bones windows are frozen, they lock me out of a life I know and my eyes are bleeding, cause I learn to see in the blackest night because once a king always a king.

I'll stay here, forever.

ibzzie xx

roccA

2011-03-17T09:27:00.002+11:00

Im not here anymore but i still visit the town from time to time making sure everything is in its place and that sadness still exists.

Its St Pats Day and we MUST wear green and act like we care and make sure that our mouths do not stop moving, not with talk but with chewing.

This breed is a different kind of human, now with what is happning around the world with Japan, Egypt, Libya and so on the race is bound to mutate but into what?

The breed at the moment is a a kind that life its self is fake all around them nothing is real around them nothing matters but the EFFORT that is put in, for what? For when these breeds dont even spend a cent on anyone but their own sinful ways nor does the effort come into play when in the past it has been done before, over and over again.

I have never found a proper place to be nor to set my self and call it home, not to sure why but maybe everything out there is like this, the same.

I still have hope to find something that is not the same as everything else, a place where people understand me and a place where power and dictatorship doesnt occr, that place is around some where, i know it i can feel it.

The town still stands, silent winds blow speaking against the rotten wood of the old inn, the sand speaks to the cracks in the floor boards, its sill dead around here.

faith.

ibzzie xx

it's at it's worst

2011-01-23T21:10:00.002+11:00

right now it's the worst, my depression I mean.

does it make sense to say that you want to be left alone and while you sit in a dark room crying you ask your self why doesn't anyone ever ask how I am going or if I am okay?

I feel like I have never felt before, I mean ever. nothing makes me smile anymore not even after a awesome weekend I just want the two people who bought me into this world to give at least half of their time to see what I got up to, to ask to, have a conversation with me but yet I have told them to leave me alone, it all doesn't make sense and to be honest I really don't want to make sense of anything anymore.

it's getting worse I don't know if I can take it much longer, my eyes hurt, my head hurts; I feel like all my energy has just been sucked out of my eyes and turned into tears.

I think about it every day but when that thought crosses my mind I ask my self is it worth it? I used to really believe that it's not worth it but as the days go by and my body weakness I don't know how long I can hang in there and not just give up, why not give up I ask my self right now? yes its selfish and it's taking the cowards way out, so? how is that different to sitting in a room all alone crying like fuck me dead I'm not a child anymore and nothing at this age should get to me but yet here we are again re visiting the town that I want to forgot.

if you don't see another post after this, try not to miss me.

I'll still be here but not physically...

ibzzie xx

let's never fight

2011-01-16T13:06:00.004+11:00

let's kill each other, let's not speak to each other for days, let's get me angry at the fact that a she doesn't exist in my life as a friend but let's never fight.

If we don't communicate than we can never fight, if we never see each other will never fight but instead let's kill each other slowly due to little lies and insecurities to why we are so busy and why we don't make an effort, save it because I've heard it all before you want to speak, use your phone to accomplish that just like you use it towards all of your other friends.

we can never fight if we don't talk, so let's fight...

ibbzie xx

the end is near

2011-01-13T10:42:00.004+11:00

2011 the end is near, not long now till 2012, this year is the beginning to the end.

Floods, birds falling from the sky, dead fish washing up upon the shore.

Earth cannot hold us any longer, we have populated this planet for about 200,000 years and still going, polluting and raging wars on this surface that is not ours, it hurts to think how much pain earth will be in if it was a human and had feelings.

I had a dream the other night where i was the only human on earth after everyone just died, i was asleep in the dream and then woke up and no one was around, their belongings where just left there, cars in the middle of the road engines still running, planes just fell from the sky like a bird loosing its flight, what the hell happened here?

No human was around at all, so i jumped in my car and drove around my area first going straight to my house, i had just woken up on the side of the road to witness the horror, speeding through the dead cars isnt easy, there is no room to move as they are so still.

The end is here, im not going to finish this blog.

ibzzie xx

dead space

2011-01-10T08:23:00.003+11:00

The year is 2084 & space travel is all the rage right now.

Back in 2011 taking a 3 hour tour of space was valued at 1.2 million dollars, now you can go on a decked out holiday for 2 months at only $300, i miss how times have changed.

On my way to work standing there on the train holding onto a dirty silver pole watching the daily news on the inbuilt tv's, the sound is not clear as the train nowadays make alot more noise as they travel over the rail.

lets go to space, shall we ?

ibzzie xx

nightmare

2010-12-22T09:12:00.002+11:00

Lets go to sleep all at once and dream about witches and wolves, monsters and goblins, ghosts and demons. Let us feel scared and worried for that is what i feel daily in a place like this.

So dark that the lonesome can be felt in the air, it feels ambiant in the dark as the winds echo.

I ask my self who takes pride in what is done here, who shows leadership, if only i was above some of you i would show you how things should be done. I have to earn it, i know you didnt, i know your dirty little secrets.

ibzzie xx

hurt locker

2010-12-13T10:32:00.003+11:00

Why does it hurt?

ibzzie xx

night catcher

2010-12-06T11:02:00.001+11:00

we follow it like it needs us, once we catch it watch over us, the night.

As I watch the night from my cell I dream of how I could be out there doing what I do best, but I've been here for so long I have forgotten what it is I do best.

I belong to my self and to my self only, i hug my self wrap my arms around my legs as I wrong back
and forth trying to remember, at last it hit me.

best I used to be at was to care, to love and to believe the first thing i hear, the first few letters that come out of your beautiful mouth, it's
not fair to say i cannot trust anymore but it is fair to say i don't believe, believe you.

assumptions cannot be made on how I have become like this, all the questions to what has made him a monster,
all the why's to the cause of this.

The words said or that have been said never mean or will mean anything, I lie and say you are unique a creation that will not be different, this has been said to many time and finished with a fail seeing the lie is not true for you are not unique, but the same as them, those who had locked me away here, here in this place that will never let me go!! aaaahhhhhh!

Sweet sorrow from this town like the sweet sap from a tree, I hate me
for thinking a second could exist in this hour, I don't trust nor believe the uniqueness of you at all, nor will I ever.

the night has falls dark as I continue to grow sick and tired, the sap has stopped seeping for I cannot suck it dry anymore, I think the night is falling.

im going to catch it...

ibbzie xx

vigilante

2010-11-30T23:09:00.006+11:00

What if I was to kill for reasons only I deemed right, that I got my pleasure out of. Is death a resolution, is murdering a bad man such as a mobster, right? who are we to judge? another scum from the weed will grow twice as bad.

We all say to each other that we are someone else, we will
never admit to whom we really are. why?

are we afraid of others are we that scared to loose someone we will lie about who we really are to
keep them.

negate that as soon as possible before the truth does come out before i get to judge you and punish you for the lies.

life is about who YOU are not about who someone else wants you to be, you like sexual desire than so be it, in your world that is correct, in someone else it might be wrong.

i am not god to judge but i am a human to have a perception on something, i will punish those who lie to me or those whom to act, how?

well try me...

ibzzie xx

wonderful life

2010-11-04T21:57:00.002+11:00

Abit strange to be positive here but since you left my life i have been nothing but smiles and it is november. my month, our month, boys lets get it on, here we go...

On a bridge across the harbour on a Saturday night, Susie meets the man of her dreams.

He says that he got in trouble and if she doesn't mind he doesn't want the company. But there's something in the air they share a look in silence and everything is understood, Susie grabs her man and puts a grip on his hand as the rain puts a tear in his eye.

She says: Don't let go, never give up, it's such a wonderful life.

Driving through the city to Central station, Cries into the leather seat and Susie knows the baby was a family man, But the world has got him down on his knees.

So she throws him at the wall and kisses burn like fire and suddenly he starts to believe.

He takes her in his arms and he doesn't know why, But he thinks that he begins to see, dont let go never give up, its such a wonderful life.

dont let go...

ibzzie xx

fly chicken fly

2010-10-27T21:06:00.002+11:00

and those who dare to hope find nothing to hope for.

ibzzie xx

undercover

2010-10-25T11:12:00.005+11:00

He works in Sydney Australia in a call centre of about 20 people, friendly environment and very energetic crowd; he has been there for around about 6 months now, just before his 20th birthday.

A Tuesday morning, he slept in for an extra 30 mins. Its gloomy outside, the rain hits the roof hard as it multiplies into smaller droplets, the sky is grey and it cries for help, he doesn’t want to get out of bed but he must for today is the day he leaves.

He is Gabriel a.k.a Ibrahim, his biological age is 51 years old, he suffers from a disease where his body does not age but remains at its youth, but his insides are old and his outs are vibrant and young.

Gabriel was born during the cold war, on a battlefield where his dad was a soviet Russian and his mother was a US spy, war child.

He has been alone ever since birth not knowing who his birth parents are, Rumour has it that they died during the war but he still has faith they are out there somewhere.

Ever since birth Gabriel was special, the governments wanted him as a tool seeing he was the war child of the two best soldiers/spies of the time.

Gabriel was hired by the elites; FBI, NSA, CIA, NASA, KGB, and the SPETNAZ, Fluent in over 60 languages. All agencies trained him to be the best of the best; they used his disease as an advantage having a 51 year old solider who had the ability to learn and live in harsh conditions but looked like a teenaged boy where they send a kid into battle to infiltrate the world.

Today is the day Gabriel leaves his life behind once again, he has travelled all around the world lived in different countries and made friends and acted like a human being but all this time he was a tool, a spy working for the greatest of all causes, information.

He came to Sydney and started to work in the call centre and made a lot of friends and gained trust of all his work colleagues, but this is not the first time he has done this for his past is made of shadows that he weaves when he walks.

Today the CIA and FBI needed him out of Sydney for he has been there for too long and the agencies have gathered all the information they need.

He got up got dressed and left, his actor parents where already out of the house and the house its self was already sold and being renovated to burn all traces of his existence, his facebook was burnt, along with his twitter, daily booth and his blog.

He lived a normal life of a teenager, blended in to the bone with his friends and loved ones. His actor parents where believed to be his own same as his sisters and brother. His friends his life everything was true but he was not, he pretended to be who he was. Falling in love on the field or while on a mission is deemed wrong, but it has happened before, just look at his parents in the CW.

Gabriel met a female by the name of Angela he fought it off for a while as he could not fall in love because of his life but he let him self go and told her everything about himself, she agreed to leave with him and travel and live with him. He loves her.

He arrived to her house picked her up with his agents and left for his new mission in Alaska. He was meant to start work at 8am it is now 8:15am, his phone was turned off and number was terminated, no trace of Ibrahim ever existing in Sydney.

The call centre is abuzz but Ibrahim is not at his desk, the mangers decide to call him but his already in the air on the way to Alaska.

His phone does not ring and LARA(voicemail) advises his manger that the phone is off and no longer available, they start to get worried so they call the landline and there is no response, they became to get very worried and panic.

They contact the head managers they advise to get the police involved and to go the house of Gabriel to check on things.

They mount up in the cars and leave the office to his residence as the drive they try to reach him once more but the phone is still not in use, number deleted.

As they arrive to his house they witness trucks and hordes of furniture on the lawn like someone has just moved in, they knock on the door and a tall dark skinned man answers the door, they ask “is Ibrahim home?” the tall behemoth responds in a slow but confused manner “who’s Ibrahim?”. The two mangers look at each other as if they had just seen a ghost, I think till today that this is when they realised Ibrahim was gone forever.

As the two managers walked back to their car there was silence amongst them, how can a work colleague just leave like that. They didn’t call the police they both knew deep down that it would be useless as all phone records show that this Ibrahim never existed.

Gabriel was in the air briefing with the Sec. Def Donald Anderson and the President of the US, President Baker.

His love is sitting like always trying to make sense of all this jargon, he looks at her as her eyes a bludging out of her head, she is sitting upright absorbing all of it in, he loves her but doesn’t cut off the US President to say it. She knows he does, he sees it in her eyes the way she looks at him.

ETA 23 hours, everybody is ready for a sleep, he and she enter their bunks together as they sleep and let their love speak in actions and not word is whispered.

Morning comes as the ETA is 5 hours. They end up landing in Alaska for another briefing about the mission at hand.

Months go past as the mangers still wonder but have forgotten about Ibrahim, the team is still wondering what really happened to what he once was.

Emails are sent to the inbox of the mangers over 100 times a day, Gabriel decides to email through an explanation of what has happened and why he disappeared, as the manager opened it to his surprise he realises where the email address should be was just a ? In place of an email address.

Sending emails to unknown addresses via a highly secure IP will never display the email address as per spies need to communicate but will never leave a trace of their communication.

The manger printed the email to read out to the team, he was trembling that after months everyone thought Ibrahim was dead.

He was pale in the face, he took a deep breath before reading it aloud to the team, palms sweaty feet weak like he was about to go to war, it was just a email.

It read:

“Hey team, its Ibrahim, now I know you all probably thought I was dead or abducted but not to worry im safe and im fine.

This email is to all of you to finally set the record straight to what exactly happened to me, what to who I really am is more like it.

My name is Gabriel and I have a disease that allows my body to work and look like a 19 year old male, my biological age is really 51. I was born on the battlefield during the Cold War; I don’t know who my parents are as I was taken away at birth. Rumour has it they where killed during the war, I don’t believe so.

I really work for the top spy agencies around the world, CIA, FBI and NSA just to name a few.

I get sent out on missions around the world to retrieve vital information about people and their daily lives to set up a sensus of controlling and spying on human’s.

I had been in Sydney for 6 months and found work to fit into the daily crowd, nothing was real about me. Now im on the way to Alaska for my next mission, watch the news in a couple of days, there will be a bang.

I guess this email is just to say sorry and thank you at the same time, thank you the you all for being there for and trying to understand me, thank you for all of you for putting up with me and showing me the ropes, sorry to all of you for lying and sorry that I had to just leave like that, I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me and if you all don’t, I understand.

Special thank you to Michelle, my only true friend in the office and sorry for leaving you like this, but don’t worry check your personal email you will find my contact number which I always have on me, only 3 people in this world have it, you will be the forth.

So that’s it guys I guess its goodbye, hope to see you soon again one day, maybe on a better note, enjoy yourselves and just live don’t stop smiling and remember, EYE HAVE YOU.

Gabriel.”

The email sent shock wakes around the office and everyone was shocked, Michelle rushed to her personal email address to grab the number so she could contact him the office didn’t know how to react there was silence for a couple of minutes till the phones rang again, everything was back to plan.

Gabriel was not the only one that was undercover, she was sleeping he got a message from an unknown advising Gabriel to call them. Gabriel’s a very curious and wanting to know everything type of guy so with that he got up from under her arm and called the number, it was a male who was asking stupid questions at first but then it occurred to Gabriel, that his love was not who she seemed.

She her self was undercover, known as a decent Muslim female but would never admit her sins, drinking, sexual desires just to name a few.

Living in a life of lies and lies weaved around each other, weaved so much that she was trapped forever with no escape.

Gabriel needed evidence and evidence is exactly what he received, messages from the male that proved she was seeing him at the same time, photos that where sent to Gabriel and to the other male, evidence that proved she was nothing to Gabriel anymore.

Shattered at the fact the she turned on him, he looked at her while she slept, knowing he can ruin her world but he will not sink that low, not to her level. He left it and he left her.

Hurt at the fact she turned on him he turned his back and stayed awake till she woke up.

Her eyes opened as she had a smile on her face, so blinded by her own lies that nothing came of it to Gabriel, he explained the situation and she still lied, he begged her to stop lying, she even swore on her dads grave, Shame.

Tears of lies flowed down her face but a smile on his knowing that at the end he left being bigger and better than her knowing that she was a monster and he was still an angel.

He asked her to leave upon landing in Alaska, she knew that this is over, she knew she had lost the best thing to have ever happen to her, but she would not show it, she would not admit it; she just cried and walked off knowing she still had that mate of hers, bad influence turned her into this.

Gabriel hurt he turned his back and walked off, he felt as useless as a daddy long-legs spider, all that love he had to show but now no one to show it for.

She walked off with tears of regret he smiled knowing that she can’t hurt him anymore.

She looked back at him he could feel that she did, he stepped back on the aeroplane and sat down in shock trying to recollect all his thoughts as this happened, trying to tell him self that she is not like that, she would never, but she did.

Gabriel went to live his life with doing what he does, lost contact with what once was a girl he loved now a girl he hope never existed, he is strong he did not shed a tear after finding out, but he did shed a tear while he was with her about his life, he thought she understood, wrong.

With that, Gabriel became smarter and stronger and believed what doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger, love does exist but not within a woman like that, he knew that he now has to live, live his life alone and that the world is his playground.

He was and always will be honest, lies are not in balance with humanity, even when the person your lying to knows your lying, he wont say anything but will wait, he knew for a few weeks before you got caught out, but waited for the truth to come out, it did.

Don’t use your religion as a rebound, don’t use the people that you have lost to death so that you can be believed it’s immoral and it’s wrong, you’re sick.

Life now begins for life will never end; I tell Gabriel that as he nods and shakes his head, I tell him to never look back but to look forward, to always smile as being hurt means nothing.

I remind him of his past and how this, what she has done, doesn’t compare. He understands, with that he goes to have a shower, turns on the hot water and he disappears into the steam as the door slides shut behind him.

Maybe it’s just me but I can hear him singing ‘Return of the Mack - Mark Morrison’

I believe the Gabriel that we had thought we all lost is finally back.

Welcome back…

ibzzie xx

race

2010-10-16T16:51:00.004+11:00

So it starts with a song that sounds something like sheets ruffling amongst each other, ends with two laughs and one frown.

As always its a weekend here in the town and yet I'm alone in my cell thinking of what is yet to come, sounds echo through the town as per every Saturday those brave enough walk the street and dance to the sounds, but not me.

I sit here and hollow my eye through the crevices in my wall to see such a sight, such free souls roaming around but their yelps for help as they dance are painful to put up with.

I close my eyes as i try to block out every other sound around me but the beat of the drum that makes my body want to move.

The race we are in is never ending, a circuit is always a circle. infinite around and around with no finish line, we are right back to where we started. never ending.

Taking me away in a moment like this where its dark in here where nothing seems as it is i hear a sound, a voice, and it goes something like this:

"She was 5 and i was 6 we rode on horses made of sticks
she wore black and i wore white, she would always win the
fight, bang bang she shot me down, bang bang i hit the
ground, bang bang that awful sound, bang bang my baby
shot me down."

WAKE UP!, my pupils adjust to the light as i realise the sun is up and the souls are away.

what just happend?...

ibzzie xx

protector

2010-10-12T20:27:00.006+11:00

I am a overlooker to all those whom need to be protected i advise them of the right and the wrong but even a protector needs a protector. My own advise is wise to others but to me its worthless.

Bullshit, everything ever said ever done ever heard ever seen, bullshit i tell you. We will throw away the world for someone that means nothing to us, for once i want you; i want us to not speak of sombody the way we do and then run back to them once they return, everything ever said i dont beleive a word, i cant i wont. i never will.

What will it take for you to make somebody happy to escape them from this town from this whirlwind of pain, how far would YOU go to make somebody love you. i tell you now please down even try, i have tried and look where it has left me. alone in a room where i cant even see a finger length infront of me. alone the best medicene away from you nothing will make me feel the way alone does best feeling.

hate love is a killer of a mix, makes one painful drink and you and all other i have been drunk on it for life, i dont want to stop fuel me to leave fuel me to run away.

i need a drink...

ibzzie xx

the end

2010-10-04T17:16:00.005+11:00

How would it be if you where still here, do you believe she would feel the same as i do or will she feel different? He is her friend and you where mine, right?.

As the doors open i step out to a wet platform i look up the sky is dark i feel the rain hit my face hard as it were to peel the flesh off my bone. As i look forward i can see the rain shine as it passes the light then disappear to a background of black.

I make it to the footpath to see nobody on the path, no cars on the road, just the rain shining as they pass in front of street lights. I ready my t-shirt to work in someway of a crappy umbrella to shield me from this mini monsoon.

Last time i checked it was 12am, i lost sense of time now my phone has died, it feels like i have been walking for hours without an end, I'm not even close to my home.

I tell my self i have to keep going i cannot give up, i can feel that my body needs water, its dehydrated.

I sit down on the side of the road in the rain my crappy umbrella has soaked all the water so i begin to suck on the t-shirt as my only source of water in this rain as i do so a creature emerges from the bushes to come and sit beside me, its nothing, its just a puppy.

It stares at me as i stare back i believe the creature is thinking why i have part of my shirt in my mouth.

I found my legs once again and headed for the half end of home. The creature was leading the way and before i made a turn into a street, it would. It was as though i was following it back to my home.

As i could see my house the creature headed further from me and sat right in front of the driveway to my domain, i stood there for a moment and asked my self "how did it know where..?".

I walk further as the creature stares at me i open my gate and wait for it to enter, but no it just sat there and stared.

I walk in leaving the gate open and i look behind me to see the creature is still there not wanting to enter.

I open the main doors and enter my domain to rest finally after a day in this town.

I believe that if you where still here she would feel abit off on the whole topic. I ask my self "how can i let..?" but yet again the thought of whom crosses my mind for if it was anybody else it would be a different story.

You believe its okay and i believe its not, i guess that is the way the cookie crumbles.

If you where still here i think it would be a different story i think that alot of things would not be the same but will have a change to them, i believe how i spent my time would be different, i believe she would not have approved of it but that will not stop me.

I guess i just miss you and when you where here and now I'm alone.

How it used to be and now that i am older and you would be as well things would have been so much easier.

I know your here with me everyday but that is not enough, it is never enough, i guess i thought i wasn't selfish till today.

You never know what you are till you are told, a mirror cannot speak but only reflect the outer you never the inside never the whom you are, that can only be done by somebody whom will open their mouth and do so.

I believe this will be forever like so but with bumps with hiccups and with thoughts of what if.

Everything does happen for a reason and our lives are already scripted. You left us for a reason and with out questioning that reason i believe you are happy and for that i smile.

Feel free to drop by whenever we can hang out in this town even if she has a problem with it, my argument will be she does it so why cant i?, hmmhmm smile for me and ill smile back.

i miss you...

ibzzie xx

prosecuted

2010-10-02T08:27:00.005+10:00

I hate starting my morning with out you and I hate ending my night with out you, it hurts me so much that being in comparison affects you so much, weather it's a message if I'm out or when your out. I hate how one word uttered from your beautiful mouth can bring me down so quick, make me think your mean for saying it and just make me think about how much I just miss you.

I am in love, the light finally blossoms in this town ever since you strolled in, first laying eyes on you cleared my mind first kissing you was truly my first ever real kiss, the first nibble of your eyebrow and the way it makes you daze out to the nibble of your bottom lip just to feel that it tickled, to your beautiful neckline were I believe dreams are made even down to your ankles, it's just amazing.

I tell my self that you just miss me and it's frustrating but it just hurts when I don't hear it even though you would have said it, it feels good knowing I'm wanted knowing I'm needed feeling missed, the way I tell my self is that you say things out of frustration making me feel that your mean making me forgot the angel inside, well not to worry.

you have thanked me many times for putting up with you and i will be for eternity, I tell my self your not but you tell me you are, i believe your not but you believe you are. our minds, our soul, our breath, our life is one; one together that will be forever.

you give me and this town that glimmer of hope that it, that i deserve that I need, you are nothing more then a human to others but you are to me eve the first female, your more important than water is to a fish, your heart gives me life to live gives me passion to go forward, your tongue speaks amazing and thoughtful words even when spoken out of anger even if you being mean without trying to it's still beautiful.

i believe that once I miss you everything in my life in this town is out of balance but i miss you even when you are near, I want to get sick of you I want to say for you to leave me alone, but I haven't gotten enough of you yet nor I believe I will.

i love you is nothing to what I feel for you it's a feeling that I believe has not been felt since the ages for when Romeo first met Juliet when the king has come back to his queen after years on the battlefield that feeling there is what I feel when I am with you for you are my queen and a war has not started so let me not be alone for now I am here and forever will be.

ibzzie xx

desideruim 207

2010-10-01T17:14:00.002+10:00

Ive never been accepted in my life ever ever before, i think my friends have accepted me only because they had to because they grew to, but to be newly accepted has never occurred it seems, it feels that everything i do pushes someone away or something away, everything i have is good but i always find ways to ruin them to negate them from being there, makes me wonder do i have a chance here do i belong here, I'm lost i always have been and when i believe i found the light it turns to darkness again, i guess that's when i run and hide in this town its my only closure away from everything i ruin places i enter i ruin things i touch it feels like when i walk the earth everything behind me dies burns to ashes, maybe i am cursed maybe i am not meant to be happy is this how it is for me for these years nothing has worked out i believe they have they look like they have but they haven't, this is probably the best thing i have ever had ever, first time i feel alive first time i feel needed wanted first time i make people smile, maybe I'm still a child on the inside and maybe i don't know the seriousness of things till they get to a point being unfixable, maybe one day i will learn why i walk a life of utter disbelief a life of utter sin, i need darkness there is too much light here i feed of everything but i live for nothing, it seems that way, it seems that everyday is like that, i just don't want to drag anybody down with me, if i fall ill fall alone, everyone feels nothing like me nothing compares to how i feel when this stuff happens when i feel mixed when i need to retreat, i never retreat only when i don't know what to do, i believe i am strong i believe i am a fighter, but for what for what cause, what am i fighting for what are you all fighting for, the truth is nothing is worth fighting for because at the end everything will be gone and there will only be you there alone not knowing what has happened, threats are empty. i can see it in your eyes that your words have meaning behind them but your actions are meaningless, maybe this is me not taking it serous enough maybe i have burnt the past but my destiny and my future will burn as well, nothing is meant to work out for me, i will wear this mask till i die till the true me will be alive. ibzzie xx

mirage

2010-09-30T20:15:00.003+10:00

call ended

2010-09-27T23:03:00.003+10:00

just before those 3 disconnected beeps I say I love you but to late the phone is already off your ear and slammed against your bed out of anger towards me.

you miss to hear those 3 words in return i get 3 beeps, the call has ended and I want to call you back but I can't I can't enter if you don't let me, I can't fix if you don't allow me, I can't feel if you don't touch me, this is fucked.

how you shut off how you run away and hide how nothing matters to you how nothing seems to affect you, let me in fucking let me show you what i casn do.

I won't start you, I won't anything you anymore.

I can't but I will
I won't but can
I don't but I want to

just laugh for me ...

ibzzie xx

eye have you

2010-09-27T21:13:00.003+10:00

I'm still mad but now, now you have the chance to win me over.

As I watch the end of this thrilling saga i wonder where mine is going, where mine is going to end. when?

Perhaps it doesn't end, perhaps this is how it's going to be forever, for when your ill about something know I am here for when you wanna be left alone know I am here for when you don't want to be disturbed when I would like to discuss something that means so much to me, know I am here, just enjoy it, enjoy the show just please don't shut me out for something stupid for something that will be on again and again for what i wanted to tell you was adorable was cute was loving but now it can wait for another time for another thrilling ending.

my whole life i have been shut down and put out but now I'm done running I'm done turning my back on things for now this ending will negate a tear, i will hold on what needed to be said, let's just hope i don't forget. let's just hope that it will bring a smile to our face then like it would of if i told you now.

time has changed many things many lives many emotions but time freezes when I am alone when you are not near nor close to hear me, this is my final mission.

gun metal is bitter upon the roof of my mouth, gun metal is sweet at the back of my thoart, gun metal is sour upon the buds on my tongue

it tastes nice...

ibzzie xx

11:12

2010-09-23T23:11:00.004+10:00

the foetal position is a comfortable position to write in. So I am still here alone in this rut of a town thinking how to get out, thinking why I am here, my ears hurt from all this screaming and my fingers are numb from all this clawing.

sometimes I try to understand my self. Sometimes I try to speak with somebody else in hope they understand me, in hope they find me, but i realise that no body is here.

i have tried to understand your ways but i cant, i have tried to understand how to escape this god forsaken town but i cant, the sorrow surrounds me it fuels me and all i can do is write.

i don't have a sense of time here anymore not too sure how long it has been i think it has been one year but it does feel like a lifetime, i really don't understand all of this; the tears, the happiness, the laughter of sadness, arrrghh!

i look frantically around my room, searching for an escape but i realise I'm trapped i don't think i can ever escape this place.

unless...

ibzzie xx

MGS 1234

2010-09-20T22:20:00.002+10:00

decoy
raven
ocelot
mantis
wolf
liquid
rex
olga
fortune
fatman
vamp
solidus
ray
pain
fear
fury
end
big boss
vulcan
shagahod
liquid/ocelot
laughing octopus
raging raven
crying wolf
screaming mantis
arsenal gear

ibzzie xx

speak no and see no

2010-09-20T01:48:00.003+10:00

graphic aye?
sorry.
this picture is what i will be from now on
will speak no
will see no
that is all
farewell

ibzzie xx

disco hand

2010-09-17T11:27:00.003+10:00

hold it tight
never let it go
hold it close
let it move to the rhythm of your heart
let it spin
lit it twirl
let it shine on the wall

tonight we will be in a disco
tonight we will forgot the past
tonight we will live for the furture
tonight there will be no tears
tonight there will be no fears

smiles on me
smiles on you

party.

ibzzie xx

raven

2010-09-17T10:42:00.002+10:00

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

-Edgar Allan Poe

sycamore feeling

2010-08-31T09:50:00.004+10:00

6:15AM playing of harps wake me up, i so don't want to be go here.
The floor is cold on the soul, my mother doesn't like carpet.
The walk to bathroom is cold and wary, the hot water doesn't flood the pipes right away, the wait makes my skin bubble and my heart tremble once the steam arrives, slowly now, i don't want to burn my self.

Walk past my bedroom once more, my bed looks so inviting, to go into my TV room to get dressed into clothes that i don't want to be in. The sheets are all ruffed up and the heat from my bed craves my body.

Dreams happened once i lay my head on the pillow, the real world is non existent when we close our eyes, we cannot see the harm, the hate, the false of this world.

My pillow reads "this is where dreams are made", as i get dressed and i walk away, i look down my staircase but i look over my shoulder once more to see my bed staring at me, whispering my name, should i leave? i ask my self before walking down the step.

No i don't think so, i should enter the dream factory.

close my eyes, its about to begin...

ibzzie xx

forever dark

2010-08-24T08:25:00.004+10:00

les enfants terribles pt II

2010-08-19T13:20:00.001+10:00

These are things now that are in the realm of science fiction but I think that people in the coming years will start hearing more and more explosive results as aging research is refined. Many people would then wonder about the possibility of reversing the aging process (i.e. if someone who is 60 can become 30 again) Well, we may be able to reset the biological clock by which we will be able to rejuvenate human tissue. We know that for example, sex hormones can rejuvenate tissue. But the problem with this, as many women know—is cancer. In some sense if you run high octane gas in your Ferrari it’s going to run a lot better, but at the same time the car itself will receive more wear and tear as a direct result; and genetic wear and tear is called cancer. So even though estrogen (for women) and androgen (for males) will make us look younger, rejuvenate our immune system, increase muscle and decrease animal fat, the price we pay is that we are making ourselves go hyper-active and there is a process by which these cells can throw out a few “gears and bolts”. This is cancer. But as we start to understand cancer more and more. we may be able to have the benefits of sex hormones without the after effects of cancer.

So as we understand more and more which genes are involved with each part of the aging process, we will be able to tweak things around a bit. There will be tremendous advances in gene therapy and being able to analyze genes in general. We already have a DNA chip which is a small computer chip that is etched with tiny micro-cracks. When you wash a fluid such as blood over the chip, it will register genes by looking at the DNA that falls into the cracks. This simple gene analysis takes mere minutes whereas it used to take months and sometimes years to get a DNA analysis. It’s these types of breakthroughs that are revolutionizing medicine and giving us a leg-up to understanding how our bodies internal processes work.

ibzzie xx

riddle

2010-08-17T11:52:00.003+10:00

Travelling somewhere could be anywhere there's a coldness in the air but i don't care we drift deeper life goes on we drift deeper into the sound as the rush comes.

I know this silence Ive been here before I'm walking blinded through the door this is a sign of things to come, relive this moment it comes and goes further and faster to your soul release your self its a big sky.

Found you home somewhere now you have reached the end, the game only survive, you will look back to see the love you left behind, the feeling the more you recognize, the familiar faces that reflected in your eyes, time goes by from the point of no return, you gotta be strong enough to learn, all this builds a temple in my mind of all that i have left behind.

The world is darker then i can understand and nothing turns out the way i plan, when the sky turns grey and there is no end in site, I'm wrapped with anxiety, my spirit gets lifted as it melts through this ice.

Step off the train I'm walking down your street again as i pass your door but you don't live there anymore, now you disappeared somewhere you now have found a better place, could you be dead?, you always were two steps ahead, i can almost hear you shout out to me, where i always used to be.

This world is spinning, keeps on spinning, time keeps on spinning cannot settle down time just does not stop.

ibzzie xx

fuel for a blog

2010-08-16T10:42:00.002+10:00

Its thick the wind is blowing, the musky feel of the dirt settles its self within the cracks on my lips, i cannot see 1 pace ahead of me, i feel lost, alone and needy, need is a must not a want. We are most alone when we are with the myths. Nothing feels true here anymore, i have been here for way too long that it feels fake, the walls i lean on crumble on them selves, the paper i write on scars due to the bluntness of my pencil, my tears fall and die on my lips, dry sorrowful feel, i don't want to remember you anymore you must of died along with me, nothing has changed with me, its still the same, i wonder if you ever think of me, I cant help but reminisce, But isn't that just the way you learn, I'm stronger at being weaker now i just thought how it was in the real world.

This town here houses souls of the damned, souls of whom have not hurt but have been hurt, those whom wish to escape and find happiness but everything they touch, look, kiss turns into dark. Nothing here is alive every day i die inside a little more waiting for that time to completely pass.

I think of my past as a life of myths and alone; i made my self who i am, constructed with bare hands and without a helping tool from anybody else.

832 times have changed since then, phones, computers this thing we all call the Internet, doesn't work doesn't feel right, no more pen to paper.

Thoughts are a mist at times i think why everything goes the way i want it to and when the wind blows clears the mist people come in and ruin it. i just need to understand these feelings.

The screams get louder as the ocean crashes upon the terrace, the hollow whispers of the wind drew me closer to the edge, the end should be now but i ask my self do i jump or do i just watch the jagged rocks below.

they look inviting...

ibzzie xx

les enfants terribles

2010-08-09T14:06:00.004+10:00

Feels like something is there in my head i dont know what it is, im trying to get out of this place have been for the past 1 year, i think its 2010 now ive really lost track of time, my room is dark cold silent, so silent that it feels like its loud, i dont want to be here anymore but i feel everytime i want to leave it reels me in more and more.

The town of sorrow houses whom have grown old whom have past and those whom wear a smile on their face but hidden frowns on the inside.

Everyone has grown up hearing fantasy stories about the "fountain of youth." We are still far from finding the fabled Fountain, but today the real question is quickly becoming “Would you really want to live forever?” With tremendous advances in the world of medicine, we will one day be able to drastically slow down the aging process in a human being. Scientists have already discovered over 70 individual genes that are directly involved with the human aging process. In worms, for example, we have already identified many of the genes that influence the aging process. You can actually change the life span of a worm like a light switch by changing their genome. Many people would immediately wonder why we would even want to slow down the aging process when we are overpopulated as it is. Well, the population in Europe for example is some sense imploding right now, with the average family having 1.5 children. Countries like Austria, Italy, Germany, Switzerland have populations that are essentially collapsing. So increasing prosperity and life spans has actually caused slowed down population growth.

Kings and queens of old have always wanted to live longer and discover the fountain of youth. This is actually how the state of Florida was discovered. Ponce de Leon heard Native Americans speak of a legendary, magical spring whose water was believed to make older people young again. While seeking the great, mythical and fabled fountain, his ships landed on Florida’s east coast near present-day St. Augustine. People have always been fascinated by the thought of being able to extend their days. Now, it may in fact be within our grasp within 20 to 30 years as we identify more and more genes involved in the aging process. If you take the genome of an older person and the genome of a younger person—in a computer you can compare the genomes and see where significant genetic changes are localized. We can further identify certain key genes that for example control the oxidation process and the biological clock.

Scientists are already experimenting with longevity processes in the laboratory. We can now put human skin cells in a petri dish and hit them with [telomerase, an enzume which prevents the telemeres of the chromosome from getting shorter, allowing the cell to divide indefinitely. (Telomeres are a region of repetitive DNA at the end of a chromosome, which protects the end of the chromosome from deterioration). It was originally discovered in 1977 that the teleomere-shortening mechanism normally limits cells to a fixed number of divisions suggesting that this process is responsible for aging on the cellular level and sets a limit on life spans.

Of course, being able to expand this process out of the petri dish to something like the human body is beyond our capability at least for now. But in the future we may be able to:

* Reset the biological clock
* Slow down the oxidation process
* Increase cell repair mechanisms &
* Eliminate the build-up of genetic errors in the cell.

To be continued...

ibzzie xx

sorry

2010-08-02T16:39:00.004+10:00

Is it normal when we see someone less fortunate then us like a blind man or a deaf person is it normal for us to feel sorry for them do you get that heart sinking feeling when we come across something so sad that we can't even look?

but why do we get that sorrowful feeling when we see that, just now funny enough as I'm in a time machine typing this whilst going to work in carriage 4268 some teen who stunk of alcohol and looked very needy was walking around asking people for money, i was next up, I had 30 cents as change so I thought why not, for drugs food or whatever he felt like, as it was the old mans turn behind me who was on a laptop and in a heavy suite before the lonesome fella got to even open his mouth to ask the needy question the old business man grumbled "don't even ask me" and moved him along with a hand gesture.

the lonesome fella disappeared. I do believe there is good in this world I know there is, seeing someone with a disability, we well i, cannot feel sorry for them and must assist to help but when i think about it maybe they are the ones that feel sorry for me for leading such a normal life, to those whom have a disability to what they have grown up with is normal to them therefore they don't need my sympathy.

maybe each of us have our own slightly difference from everyone else in the world, no one can define what "being normal" is as humans we grow to know what is around us to be normal, but what is normal? we will never know.

aahhh...

ibzzie xx

Cauldron

2010-07-30T11:33:00.005+10:00

Dont try to undrstand me no one ever will its just the way i am, dont think you understand me because i dont even understand my self, if it drives people away then may god be with them if it brings them closer i will welcome them with arms open, there is no point of this being amoung these walls here with no escape, its my voice within that wants to leave, escape to the hands above and try to agree with them, just so i can lean on them.

Its like everything is at boiling point near the end of over flowing and that near the end of all comes nothingness, i dont think ill ever escape this place even if i wanted to, its so dark and weary here i think i have made it like this, i drive people away for the good i dont want them to sink with me, i dont want them to feel what i feel, i try to let people in, when i do it hurts, hurts me more then it hurts them.

I dont know...

ibzzie xx

Chintmani Stone

2010-07-23T16:40:00.002+10:00

now u see the question is if life was a friend or even a human would it miss me when I leave?

if life was a Hunan being and it had to miss everyone that has left it, then life it's self will be very sorrowful, but what if life was to leave and only leaving us to live? but how? we need life to live? really ?

life is what has been given to us we make it what we want to make, life is memory shape alloy bends and turns and transforms the way we, you, I want it to be.

if life is always sad for all those it has lost and all those wars that have been fought in her period then we should be the smiles that's life needs to stay complete.

we know this life will end, when is the question that will be answered by splitting of the earth and the tribes of evil with the forthcoming of the.

for all those times i wished my life away I'm sorry for all those times i wished to be with you I'm sorry, I just miss u everyday and I know you know that, we shall meet again soon, I know it.

with life now is the way and what we make make of, smooth with bumps and a few uphills but nothing can be done until life ends, until real peace has been reached, for now this is good, isn't it?

ibbzie xx

collection plate

2010-07-14T16:19:00.004+10:00

put everything in one place and you still are not sure on where it goes, thinking that something goes towards a cause but still not sure if it is a worthy cause, feelings and thoughts all go in one and at the end they don't re appear, i think this is what i want, no wait this is what i want.

*sigh* there is really nothing we can do that hasn't already been done, there is nothing we have not done that has to be done, ah bright orange walls is where i will be housed for the next years, well i hope so, time to refurb my cave something i would some were i would like to live in.

Its funny how on a good day everyone is smiles and on a shit day they are not, its funny that when i think i had a good day others think you didnt. 010101010101 its only numbers and for what? not for your self not for anything, just for someone elses self esteem, srsly when will this world wake up to its self throw everything in and understand that its not about the buck but about how you make the buck.

if i was a buck i wouldnt wanna be handled by you anywais, humans here will inslave eachother to make a buck, shame.

ibzzie xx

psycho mantis

2010-06-28T08:58:00.005+10:00

I can read people's minds. In my lifetime I have read the pasts, presents, and futures of thousands upon thousands of men and women.

And each mind that I peered into was stuffed with the same single object of obsession. That selfish and atavistic dsire to pass on one's seed... it was enough to make me sick. Every living thing on this planet exists to mindlessly pass on their DNA. We're designed that way. And that's why there is war. But you... you are different... You're the same as us. We have no past, no future. We live in the moment. That's out only purpose. Humans weren't designed to bring eachother happiness. From the moment nothing but pain and misery.

We are truly the same, you and I... The world is a more interesting place with people like you in it...

Like this... other people's thoughts force their way into my mind. Before I die... I want to be by myself. I want to be left alone in my own world.

ibzzie xx

fox die

2010-06-23T23:00:00.003+10:00

Each person is born with their fate written into their own genetic
code... it's unchangeable, immutable... But that's not all there
is to life. I finally realized that. I told you before. The reason
that I was interested in genes and DNA. Because I wanted to know
who I was... where I came from. I thought that if I analyzed my
DNA I could find out who I was, who my parents were. And I thought
that if I knew that, then I'd know what path I should take in life.

But I was wrong. I didn't find anything. I didn't learn anything.
Just like with the Genome Soldiers... you can input all the genetic
information, but that doesn't make them into the strongest
soldiers. The most we can say about DNA is that it governs a
person's potential strengths... potential destiny. You mustn't
allow yourself to be chained to fate... to be ruled by your genes.
Humans can choose the type of life they want to live.

whether or not you're in the FoxDie program isn't important.
The important thing is that you choose life... And then live! Don't
you think?

Don't worry. I'm going to choose life too. Until today, I've
always looked for a reason to live. But from here on, I'm going to
just live.

Genes exist to pass down our hopes and dreams for the future
through our children. Living is a link to the future. That's how
all life works. Loving each other, teaching each other... that's
how we can change the world. I finally realized it. The true
meaning of life...

ibzzie xx

si vis pacem, para bellum

2010-06-05T15:25:00.000+10:00

we now just sit and ask each other what we shud do, it was never like this but we are friends and friends are forever I suppose nothing will go back to the way it was I write this to clear the confusion amoung us.

we are friends now we just lay there and flick each other and play music off our phones she doesn't have a clue I'm typing this now, in staying strong I'm holding back I'll go home being the better man I will not show her the weak me stay strong man!! hold back!!

i think being like this is better for us just smiling and laughing but kno one thing I will always love you and that's that

ibzzie xx

hope is for whom that have lost faith

2010-06-02T07:40:00.001+10:00

if we live our life as a dream nothing shall hurt us nor harm us we go will go about things in our everyday life not the same as we always would we will take each leap differently. maybe that's what life is maybe we are already dead and this now is the after life or may. we are in a long life coma and this a coma induced dream if that was the case death nor fear will be real nor will the tears that fall open your face be real nor will thy be able to feel the soft skin of another upon there own.

the dead can dance but their song is melodic and psychic sending vibes away from the human souk that is trapped and yielding for and escape.

how many tears do we hold back so no one can see how many assumptions do we make before knowing the truth how many lives do we hurt only to realise we are harming ourselves.

I cannot cry, I'm in a public place on a cold June morning, but my body weeps of agony and torment, my body is awaiting the release it deserves the judgement await and the final stand is nearing.

as the years become a month and a month becomes a week and a week becomes a day, we can only hope that time does not fasten more than it already has.

where will we be when the days come to an end? we will be standing side by side knowing nothing that once was leaving everything for the one.

the image of an old man but quenching a soul of a youngen continues their way of life as a dream where pain and pleasure do not exist nor will they ever know what is to come nor will thy know what future is written, we can only hope that one day someday we wake up realise the truth around and act upon it.

this world is cannot take anymore of the abuse we have given. it cannot negate the end nor can we, it is immanent. I fear for it I try to hold back but I cannot weeping of the sorrow to come torments my soul.

realisation is nearing and all the whys shall be answered and all the answers will have questions, I just want to leave and begin the end, begin the end for me; for me now...

ibzzie :(

kiss of life

2010-06-01T07:44:00.001+10:00

music is the bass that makes my heart beat music has the treble to make my blood flow music has the clarity to make my brain work music belongs within me, I am music the melodic beat of bass and piano c+ delve withen me taking me away from here a place were I do not want to be were I wish nothing was to happen were life it's self will freeze and just allow me to move alone with me music no marching in a line to earn a dime no tears today on my break for a change my tears are words and my words are beats to my ears clarity to what I beleive is right darkness to what I belive is wrong eternal darkness is what I like wrongness pain is pleasure for some tears are expressions for others music is mine I'm away, I'm not here I'm up with you and only you and with music I acheive this pleasure and well being of finally touching and laying next to you I miss you dearly I miss your 'shu' faint echos are still there in my mind music switches everything off and allows me to stay in tune with you and your rythem. I am music you are me.

ibzzie xx

you are

2010-05-31T19:26:00.000+10:00

living in this world of sin like a crim I have the touch to make them go ding it's like all of them that have been in my past have became one, someone with a name and a reputation someone with a immorality of what's right and what's wrong am I that bad Am I that bad that they all live in spite of me I do nothing tune they become something that soo wrong wrong in the eyes of many wrong to them selves used by the other for one purpose and one purpose only, pleasure.

ibzzie xx

fall open

2010-05-31T19:24:00.001+10:00

we kno shivalary doesn't exist not anymore, men pushing infront of women taking their seats women being rude and uptight, we know it's wrecked but out there on a cold morning after a blue got lost somewere in a dark puddle of maroon water, I witnessed something, something I miss something I want to say againg I love you, alone on the train phone to ear and talking not a care in the just the one he looks forward on seeing tonite and everyother night, he works for her he lives for her she does the same, all u ever need in this world is ur family and ur equal other
nohing matches them nor will ever come close to them, it's a bright morning from Brazil to Trinidad just made me think that people still have love and souls for eachother watching them from afar is sweetness, not for me tho I will be alone forever nothing will rid me of this pain of this sorrow ill stay here forever watching over souls whom treat eachother with respect and those who have not a care in the world, the value of man is what he does with power.

ibbzie xx

red dead

2010-05-24T17:55:00.002+10:00

no worries as I was young no fear no pain no love no tears I'm sick of this I'm sick of being I'm sick of wanting something I search for youth but all I find is age I turn to be young but all find is growth I want to gi back to a moment in time were we all were happy no fears nor tears allowed us to ruin a day no such thing as being rude or vile it's just being who u are no colour on ur skin determine who u are no such tounge you speaks tells u who u are no worries I wish I can go back I wish I can be happy again. I'm not depressed I'm just bot happy nothing makes me smile from within anymore I see why I'm fake cousin Youssef. it just hurts with everything I do with everything I say nothing comes out of it I shud just shutup and leave this place nothing here for me aye the final kiss on the platform before I leave will be last will be forever, what is wrong with this world now it's like everything that was wrong is now right abs cool to do what happend to men being men what happend to women being women both being humans both together uniting there is no such thing as right and wrong but surely there has to be a a oath to follow in this foresaken land i miss the days soo much were now touch screens have replaced pen and paper it's really sad it hurts when I take a breath in I might aswell just go now they might have major plans for me mayb or msub not I don't like this feeling of sweetness inside but bitter outsides turning them into .... she's cute aye? the train is filled with intresting people each one has their own life each one has their own story to tell each one is another soul that has been hurt another soul that thinks what happend to chivalry stand up for a woman to sit there is no more of that as I sit here whils they stand . this is the longest day of my life, hanging on for dear life just so we can eat just so we can act just so we can be I don't want to do this anymore I wanna thank u u look down from above my guider is one and my best friend is the other I'm sorry. iPhones are not water proof nor tear proof I don't think meh it still works from what I can see *sigh* toxic breath it's bad for u, u kno that yea chap ? mind if I ave' one ahhhh surley not Irish surley not hmmm another one for another day , I suppose so this has been the longest day of my life, bye.

ibzzie xx

The Host Of Seraphim

2010-05-18T20:43:00.003+10:00

If his unpleasant wounding has in some way enlightened the rest of you as to the grim finish beneath the glossy veneer of criminal life and inspired you to change your ways, then his injuries carry with it an inherent nobility, and a supreme glory. We should all be so fortunate. You say poor ibzzie? I say poor us.

ibzzie xx

flashback

2010-04-19T20:05:00.002+10:00

this is like a flashback, this is like a dream, this is like all the things you can fit inside a memory.

i cant let you slip away without a second glance. why cant i realise I'm fighting for my life, this is like a flashback all this has happened before but before didn't end right, this will, ill make sure of it.

i don't wanna do this again but I'm afraid i have to, i promised my self so many times that i wont and that i cant but i am so going too, its not my fault but yours, you do this to me.

the past is what it is for a reason, the flashback is exactly the same as it was last time, but this time no tears will fall, I'm going to be incharge of this flashback no one but me and maybe you, if this flashback works, then were going to the future together.

forever...

ibzzie xx

weak

2010-04-11T17:14:00.003+10:00

i feel like a broken chain joined to something but barley hanging on, i feel drained of life my bones are brittle i feel as though i am living for nothing.

born into a cradle filled with drama, bought up in a house hold of emptiness and alone, the surrounds have forged me into me.

i feel so down when I'm meant to be up, i feel weak when i am meant to be strong, i want this feeling to go away and never come back stay away for ever or answer me now and tell me what I'm living for.

near death on two occasions, i feel like I'm cheating my way through my life, i don't like this feeling, this drama but it will not go away, this feeling inside me the weakness i just want it to rid me, i just want to have what i had, i want it ALL back, plaaasseeeee *bug*

shall not get it back, this will continue, this here

19 years of drama and counting...

ibzzie xx

fear love

2010-04-03T00:59:00.006+11:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

fear love. in simple words it ruins you.

every line was like a summary of a month that didn't turn into a year, every tear drop is just another to something that could have been. karma exists, i know it does.

those men who cry and say they never are not men, it takes a true man to admit that he cries. i am a true a man.

i lay everything to rest, my watch off my wrist, my necklace off around my neck, my bracelet off around my wrist, my belt off around my waist, my shoes off my feet, my phone and wallet out of my pockets and my shirt off my body.

as i look down its dark. waves crashing up against jagged rocks, up against the face of the cliff. its a pretty long fall.

i put one foot forward and the rest follow me. i falling to my end now the end is moments away, flashes come to me about my past. what was once a life of love and happiness, they are both dead now and with the landing of my body amongst the rocks, so am i.

i have always wondered and I'm sure you all have as well, how did i get here, to the town of sorrow, here among these forsaken walls.

my body washed out to sea, never to be seen again. presumed missing i am. my soul afloat to the town of sorrow here alone waiting for others to live the life i have then to die the death i have, still waiting here alone without a body just a soul, for now i realised something.

for you see this entire time i have been dead...

ibzzie xx

illegal

2010-04-02T12:47:00.003+11:00

27
19

sounds so wrong.
I'm a mad keint.

the feeling you get when you know what your doing is wrong but you still want to do it because it feels so good, oh baby i love it oh baby i cant wait.

this Sunday will relive the DCM's Easter DON'T COME MONDAY
ahh! what a night it was and what a night it will be
so wrong in doing so but yet so right
that doesn't work but when it does
we escape into euphoria
and fuck what a feeling it will be
what a feeling it was...

ibzzie xx

mistress

2010-04-01T23:27:00.003+11:00

when you need something ill be there
when you don't need something i wont be there
you can find what you want to get off anyone else
its not that hard, you have boobs.
guys like boobs.

a man can never ask for sex and succeed
a woman can ask for sex and succeed
its not hard to see who wants it
its harder to see who doesn't

its easy to get it
but its not easy to give it away
ahh! well no one here seems to need one
I'm alone here, i don't need one
the walls give me all the love i need
alone.

ibzzie xx

apocalypse

2010-03-28T12:31:00.005+11:00

235km/hr, screamer pipe, external waste gate, boosted turbo 25 pounds.

i miss my best friend she left me when the car she was in hit a pole i will have the same fate.

saying "why don't you do us all a favour and die" should never be taken light hearted, i don't know what to say or do anymore every time i open my mouth something goes wrong, something happens, I'm just angry. angry all the time nothing is going right, i have nothing, this is just about YOU, this is about everything around me.

i thought 2010 was going to be a good year, its just the end of my years, my 19 years of drama, i want to stay I'm dieing to stay, but i cant. nothing will ever change for me, everything will be the same.

he asks me as i sit next to him, "why are you crying did you see something bad on the Internet" i respond to my dad "no, dad don't worry its nothing" i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you and i love you, 5 loves for the 5 people in my life that i will miss.

i will escape these walls of this town and be free and soar as high as the sky forgetting everything leaving everything, the time is now.

goodbye...

ibzzie xx

negate

2010-03-22T19:42:00.006+11:00

Ive lost everything, I'm nothing now all i have left are my tears they never seem to run out, things i want to go, stay and things i want to stay, go. doesnt work.

It hurts to be me it hurts to feel my feelings i swear i try to smile and i do but deep down i cant, nothing can keep me happy nothing has kept me happy, i wanna run away i wanna fly away and have no worries no pains no feels.

The walls of the town of sorrow hold me in the captive i cannot escape i cannot leave, by the gods what have i become.

Lifeless like this place, plain like matter that surround this place, hope is what keeps me alive hope is what i turn to when everything is lost. No one watches over me here i watch over my self, yes there are elders, but they are nothing to me. I am me.

These chains wont hold me down for much longer my hope grows stronger as the tears fall faster.

A ghost among men among himself alone within these walls thirsty for life thirsty for change i must leave this behind but i cannot turn a new page a new start I'm stuck here and stuck forever.

I cannot sit and cry anymore as the sirens sing their song forgive my sins and forgive what i have done, the three judges are merciful with the chain of balance in their wake.

I roam this place alone, with no friends with no life with no one hear i like to be alone but it hurts so much, Ive had the chance to be happy Ive had the chance not to be alone but only i am to blame, no one else.

loosing everything is harder then gaining it, saying my last goodbye to this world will be harder then all i have worked to earn it

the goodbye i leave will be with the utmost respect for what i have built here, this foundation of escape, what i have built here will be remembered in the ages

my goodbye is commencing...

ibzzie xx

daisy

2010-03-02T20:22:00.002+11:00

have you ever sat in your room and just broke down till your eyes have no more to break out, till you realise you have no more tears left, yea i just realised i got nothing left, i am alone its just me and you daisy now, lalala doof doof doof

ibzzie xx

psycho

2010-02-18T17:10:00.004+11:00

1942.
Its misty, its wet, bahh!! i hate the wet I'm sick, sea sick. Filth Boston harbour is so dirty these days.

So they call it shutter island, a mental institution for the criminally insane. Surrender your weapons at the gate, you will follow protocol.

I feel naked without my gun, i am a US Marshal i need my weapon.

This feels weird like all this has happened to me before, like I'm a tape on repeat over and over again, year in year out. I'm going mental, I'm going insane whats real and whats not these days its so hard to tell with fake this and fake that.

Lock me up in a cell , no light no air just my filth to pick away at, my skin to rot away, my nails grow, i try to claw my way out of this hell hole, the walls are now filled with dents my nails are chipped, the walls are strong i cannot claw out.

Its monsooning outside the water seeps through the pipes down my wall, its dark in here i cannot see anything, i feel the marks i have left on my wall the water running and sitting in the dents, I'm cold. no shirt and no shoes just my torn pants that are rotting away like my skin.

Pimply and dry no food, no water for me, patient 67.

She done this, she done all of this, i just sat by and watched, i should of listen to her when she said "something is inside my head, eating at me, telling me to do things" she killed them, SHE DID!!

bang. gun powder smells tearful when you kill a loved one. I'm so hollow baby, I'm so hollow, goodbye my lover goodbye my friend, you have been the one, the one for me. it had to be done i couldn't sit by and forget how you killed them, our 3 children, they didn't even know how to swim.

lock me away, change me, something i am not will never become of this, i could of helped, i could of helped if only i acted upon it right away, IF ONLY!!

Nothing has changed, the tape is now on repeat till another shot love comes then puts me back in my cell, tell me chuck. "yeah boss" is it better to die a man of insanity or a man who fights before he is put down?

with a slight shake of chucks head the doctors knew i was on repeat, lobotomy.

They get a icepick drive it up your left eye socket and fiddle around till you, a human, feel no more pain, feel no more love, empathy, anger, hunger,fear. all feelings of the mind, what if you could control your mind without the mind controlling you.

to the light house i go, i am better i am cured i know i am, but for some reason i will rather stay here on this rock, on this island that has forsaken me for the past two years, take what you need from my skull but i will prevail in the end, i will return as a truly appointed federal Marshal.

i will return to my house by the lake, the water isn't murky their now, i know i feel that it is red, i feel that death was laid upon the lake by my loved one, i will never forget and i will never change,

for you see i have always been like this, i have always been here...

ibzzie xx

goodnite

2010-02-04T19:10:00.003+11:00

don't we all wish that we never grow old, we all wish to find that fountain of youth, it seems that age is bad to humans. maybe its not age we are afraid of but the fact of life ending making your self look young on the inside, you are still 70.

if the fear is of life ending why do people harm their bodies by smoking, drinking, drugs & speeding, maybe those who do that are the ones that are not afraid if they end, they just want to speed up the process, those whom grow weary of their life that take it for granted are the ones that will go first, and those who are strong will be the last to fall, I'm afraid i have grown weary, old at heart, I'm laying it down because these are my last words, the town of sorrow is were i will haunt, whom? no one

there is no one here, goodnight.

ibzzie xx

mourning

2010-02-02T18:34:00.002+11:00

its gloom outside, silent; the wind is loud, the leaves rustle up upon each other, dark. its a montage of black and white, no vibrant colours, just the red, only the red. sirens whistle as they echo through the hollow halls of the house, its dead empty everyone is outside blistering the cold, the stench, the sight.

call it, 7pm they said. dress in black carry me to the alter lay me down say a few words dig 7ft and leave, the 7 sins are always tampered with here, even on the day of mourning. stuff your face with the free food smoke outside, gossip, perv at the ladies,don't give money, such a holy place and a holy time with no holy sins.

don't walk in a line for me for i wont do the same for you, now that i am gone, don't cry for me as i wont cry for you now that I'm gone, be happy i am gone because i am happy that i am gone.

what good is a man without a heart? a heart cannot break more than once, there is nothing to put a heart back together, nothing but the thing that broke it.

a man with out a heart is nothing, he is dead. so please don't cry for me because I'm already dead.

ibzzie xx

ready steady go

2010-01-19T20:04:00.002+11:00

Shave, Shower, Jeans, Button up, Tie, Rockstar Wax, Phone, Wallet, I'm coming to % at yours then we will head to the city, get to the alley at 9pm, get to yours at 7pm, % till 8pm train back carriage, meet and greet, were looking flash, excited now that we know what is ahead of us, dozen boys with a dozen stories to tell the morning after. we laugh and joke till we get to the hall. town hall. get some more % its never enough. enjoy your night boys the clerk tells us.

Dark alley, the % in your hand ready to enter your system, chill boys, illch boys the ops the ops, eyes out. its illegal to be open in public. slowly one after the other, keep them coming which one is yours, how much have you had? HE'S NOT DRUNK!! stack the bottles higher, HE'S NOT DRUNK!!. we get ready for the night ahead that will take us away, as we walk the crowd moves fast as you move slow and stumble, excitement hits you, and you scream and jump on your mates, WOHOO!!, light up another ciggy, why not it helps with the mood, don't hold back. Your alone here.

The line isnt that long, well not yet, the music is calling us, kmon boys line up line up, act straight act straight, do you have gum bro? yea yeah. ID boys? Yep here you go boss.. this moment is when you feel so straight, your heart drops scared waiting to hear the words, "yes okay" grant you entry to the devils playground.

So dark that you cant see, so loud that you cant hear, so hot that you can only feel the sweat run down your back and arms, the bass is loud and the beat is even louder, its so crowded you cant even move, dancing up upon someone you don't even know, hands up in the air, feet moving like they have a mind of there own, running your fingers through your hair, feeling others sweat upon you, its disgusting but you know what, fuck it, your with your mates dancing, in a club, room, arena with djs piercing your head and ears with tunes from the future, you scream at the top of your lungs just so your mates can hear you, you tell them how much you love them and give them a kiss, that's not you doing those actions that's the % kicking in, ohh yes the festival nights, the clubbing nights will never die out from our blood, we will always be were music is, we will always follow the sound of the future.

We will always dance in the devils playground...

ibzzie xx

la ayri

2010-01-19T17:39:00.000+11:00

la ayri, ye go ask your lebanese mates what it means, ahh lucky penguin go home my friend clean your self up and rest, no need to be covered in other peoples oil.

ahh lucky penguin...

ibzzie xx

the world brings nothing, but ugly tomorrows

2010-01-12T18:47:00.001+11:00

Your willingness to learn never amazes me, every single one of you are the same, nothing will ever change no matter how much you try, leave things the same you have bigger things to worry about, your mind isn’t what it was, materials shouldn’t make some one love you, every single one of you are the same, nothing will ever change nor will it be the same as it was before, I am bigger, I am smarter, nothing you do or say will have effect on me as of today, nothing a blood relation will say will change the ways I am or what I am, this is me you don’t like it, ill give you instructions on how to use a door. I’m over it now, Monday I start at the airport with new people and with new values to my life, I will not be sucked into something that is fake, I will not fall anymore than I already have.

“I don't know whether..." Remember that? Doubt. Yea you might not, but I do, I will not play your games anymore, I will not be something I am not, I don’t want to be here, I want to be up there, I want to feel the clouds and give her a hug.

I am now bigger and older than anyone or anything that you will come across for years to come. Its like whenever some one comes back from that place everything is different their thoughts are never as they was, trust me I know, I had someone who went there, I feel and think what you think, but nothing I say or do will change you and your thoughts so I don’t care, go fuck your self.

That place made me think things about that person, they were not true, no one knows that, but really as humans do as they wish so be it, the ticks tock away and we sit and think about everything else, why why why? There is no answer to my why’s just more sound of the clock passing by wasting me, ruining everything that elapses within a second, nothing will change you, nothing will seem the same when the mantel is gone, it will be gone soon, just wait and see, everything about you is just the same as all the others, lessons are learnt so the mistake isn’t made twice, BAHHH!! Shame on me then, shame on me.

The end is near, I don’t regret one moment I have lived, If I could I would do everything again and ask God when I face him, can I go again? Were all just looking for something to end it, what that might be I wouldn’t know, but all you will…

News Headlines… Stay Tuned.

ibzzie xx

saturday

2010-01-06T12:55:00.004+11:00

Another night out, another dance floor
Here we go, another night out
Waited all week, just to get out
Where do we come from
Do I know your name
Doesn't really matter
In this life we're all the same

A DJ, a light show
Speakers puttin out
It's where we're going
This way and that way
Getting past the name
Doesn't really matter
In this life we're all the same

ibzzie xx

here we go again

2010-01-06T12:01:00.003+11:00

:\

Life is not fair the good gets taken away from the bad, the bad stays to infect others the good goes to leave the others, happy new year, here we go again, pain, sorrow and the agony. It’s been a year since you past and left the bad, you were good.

Mixed emotions over the past few days I was happy going to Melbourne and partying hard at Sensation White @ Etihad Stadium, then clubbing on new years day which was a Friday then Saturday clubbing with Sunday leaving me to come home and being the day you left me, us, one year ago January 3rd.

It’s not fair; nothing is these days, no wait... It has always been like that not getting what you want, never being happy. Oh I forgot, I was also crowned an uncle for the 4th time on Sunday as well, I don’t know how to fell about things that happened all on that day, and it’s sad and happy. Why does it seem that the sorrow takes over the joy, maybe I like to be sad, maybe I don’t like the joys of life, my life is the town of sorrow, just maybe, yes I'm happy I have you near, my love my Gina, yes I am happy I have friends who I consider brothers, but the sorrows of my life just seem to take over, its something I cannot control, there is just too much sad here, too much black not enough white.

You know so much but that is never enough, higher standards are always needed, always wanted but knowledge that was learnt over 1 year counts for nothing, the master always gets beaten by the student.

Nothing seems to change as the days go on, its the same shit day in and day out, things will never change till eternal darkness becomes whole, when will that happen?

No one will ever know...

ibzzie xx

you & i

2009-12-17T09:02:00.000+11:00

ibzzie xx

superman

2009-12-15T14:55:00.002+11:00

I took a walk around the world to
Ease my troubled mind
I left my body laying somewhere
In the sands of time
I watched the world float to the dark
Side of the moon
I feel there is nothing I can do, yeah

I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite

ibzzie xx

:(

2009-12-07T08:44:00.001+11:00

What happens when it runs out?

ibzzie xx

sanctuary

2009-11-27T11:50:00.005+11:00

I don't care, let me drift and let me burn, nor will i return nor will i remember, we have eyes at the front of our heads to look forward on life and not look back, life goes on, i drift deeper into the sound that is calling, that is howling blowing a chill down my spine, embrace me for i forgot what a hug feels like, the rush is coming , kiss me for i forgot how another humans skin feels upon me, just release your self, its a big town I'm lonely here no colour no life just sorrow returns to me.

Just look at me and say, speak let me hear noise, time goes by till the point of no return and for all the love you have left behind, nothing to show for it but words and smudged ink from liquid that flows from the holes to the soul.

i have to be strong enough to learn...

ibzzie xx

send help

2009-11-25T11:20:00.002+11:00

Why do we pretend to be fine when deep down we are going through a tough time? It’s at least partly because whenever we feel vulnerable we don’t want to make ourselves even more exposed by letting others know how weak we feel. Better, we figure, to struggle on alone than to raise a hope then have it dashed. There a times though when we all accept assistance and there are also times when that support is actually available.

This is one of those times…

ibzzie xx

tales of a barber shop

2009-11-18T13:07:00.004+11:00

ahh im soo fucking angry, hungry everything i just dont want to do anything, everything got put on me, ibz do this and also do that fucking cunts. You got people that go for lunch and dont come back for 3 hrs but if i go for more than 1 i get told off, man go fuck ur self, im soo glad i got a day off tomoz the 19th of november my birthday, relax have fun and not think about anything, at least a comic strip i saw made me laugh for a bit.

nicotine only makes me feel good right now, im not going to eat fuck everything and happy birthday to me.

ibzzie xx

fucking bring it on

2009-11-12T09:58:00.004+11:00

19 on the 19th of November
DCM's Saturday for my 19th
Stereosonic 2009
OH MY! @ HOME the venue feat. Les Petit Pilous
Sensation Ocean of White, Melbourne NYE
Summernats 23, Canberra
Future Music Festival 2010

fucking bring it on baby.

ibzzie xx

music me

2009-10-29T19:19:00.005+11:00

Lucy i miss you that's how i feel right now, just the sense of missing some one that was so close to you, not was still is i should say.

I'm hungry but i wont eat so i listen to music, big bass and a melody to go with the savory taste in my mouth, with every swallow i feel a bass and a new mix, music feeds my hunger i don't need hot or cold food to satisfy me, were i sit alone in my bed with no one at home no one to listen to me but my keys that stroke every word here.

I'm hungry, well go eat, what do i eat, I'm sure there is something to make, trust me there isn't not here, i don't wanna go out and eat i don't want to eat alone ill just sit and let the melody seep in and crush my thirst ill let the bass take over my taste buds and make full of my stomach.

wonder what else i can drink to crush my thirst, if i collect all my tears can i drink them? i will need to go grab a few cups for this, i will be right back...

ibzzie xx

this is how i feel

2009-10-21T15:52:00.003+11:00

lio - Smooth

Solarfields - feelings

Tiesto - Just be

Lisa - Still Alive

Linkin Park - In the End

Hybrid - Finished Symphony

Miss Jane - Its a Fine Day

Pryda - Melo

O Ran - Liquid Love

Yahel - Tears

Ferry - Made Of Love